Monday, April 25, 2005

Reflections on "Nigga"

The other day I told said goodbye to a friend of mine (female, white) by saying 'peace nigga'. I felt a bit weird as I was doing this, because you don't call just anyone nigga. Anyway, I didn't think she'd mind. I mean, after all, it was your people that enslaved Africans and whatnot in the first place. What did I do? Respect black culture and recognize its importance? I'm not excluded from using the word, and my use of it doesn't change anything regardless.

But the white man doesn't care about anything but his own comfort, and he doesn't like remembering where the term 'nigga' comes from. White people live in a dream world in which they think their collective sins will not come back to haunt them/their children. They will.

The response I got was "I'm not happy with that word." NOT HAPPY? For fuck's sake. You don't even have the right to not be happy.

Actual Rod: Like your sister!
Actual God: (spinning in a circle, doing jazz-hands) Ohhhhh! What nigga?! (a black man passes by, going the other way)
AR: Hm.
AG: (turning around with his back to the way we're going, speaking very loudly) Man, I feel so awkward about saying 'nigga' in front of black people!!!
AR: (watching in horror as a second black man about 10 feet away comes into view and is clearly within earshot) Jesus.


Dear Actual God,
Hello. I was the black man you passed by as you said 'nigga' yesterday. Not the first guy, the second one. Yep. The one on the stairs at Pacifico. Now, you may think I was deeply, deeply offended. How many slaves did your white great-grandparents have? Oh, you're Jewish? Eh, that encounter was just awkward. Whatever whatever.
Intifada Kreutzmann

Yesterday at Richter's Pub

Ashley Simpson: So, who do you think is hotter, me or my sister?
Francis Fukuyama: (drunk, looking at her breasts) Obviously you, Ashley.
AS: But I fuck up so much!!!
FF: True.
Mahbudd: (drunk, looking at FF's breasts) Shut up, Francis Fuckyomamaoghlu, America loves a loser!
Actual Rod: Yeah, and you're balding. BITCH! ZAAAOOWW!
FF: As my dear friend Big Boi says, 'the whole world loves it when you're in the news.' So, fail on, Ashley, fail on!
MB: Um...ah...what are you doing after this?
FF: Uh, I have to meet with a friend for dinner.
MB: Killed.
AR: K___ V___ B___?
AS: (twists ankle)


Doublespeak to make your head explode....

Two Rupert Murdoch posts in a row. Jesus (actual rod).

I haven't been posting recently, as I've been relatively occupied, but this incomprehensible turn of events may have just revived my mania. From the Economist:

"I BELIEVE too many of us editors and reporters are out of touch with our readers,” Rupert Murdoch, the boss of News Corporation, one of the world's largest media companies, told the American Society of Newspaper Editors last week. No wonder that people, and in particular the young, are ditching their newspapers. Today's teens, twenty- and thirty-somethings “don't want to rely on a god-like figure from above to tell them what's important,” Mr Murdoch said, “and they certainly don't want news presented as gospel.” And yet, he went on, “as an industry, many of us have been remarkably, unaccountably, complacent.” sure how to respond to this.

Does HE see the irony??? I guess anything goes when you get to construct reality all by obviously FOX is the new paradigm.

Actually, I think the word paradigm is really despicable in all its uses.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Leader good. Leader strong.

I am blogging from the Penthouse of The World. It has a television--a rare treat. The color combinations on FOX News are truly stunning. RED. BLUE. GUNS.

In-studio guests always mix in perfectly with the background--in terms of dress, gesticulation, etc. The visual experience is completely orchestrated. The background I imagine a phone conversation between a future guest and FOX goes something like this:

Future guest: So, when should I show up for the taping, Mr. Murdoch?
Rupert Murdoch: (veins on forehead bulging, sweating profusely and doing lines of coke off John McCain's bald head) GODDAMNIT! WEAR RED! OR BLUE!
Future guest: Yes sir.
Future guest: Jesus.
Rupert Murdoch: I'm sorry Ms. Ferraro, I was just speaking to my man-servant. (Many crackings of whip, gunshots, shrieks)

ALSO: Tom DeLay just said that, in times of 'a good fight', it is important to have your friends around you, 'preferrably armed'.


Dark backgrounds, war spectacle. Refreshing. I like this John Bolton guy, he really touched me with "When a Man Loves a Woman." And John Negroponte looks trustworthy.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Essentialism (in the name of saving lives)

I bet you were expecting a diatribe on torture/rendering. Fuck that though. I'm talkin about road signs. You can find these signs in Southern California near the Mexican border, reminding drivers to speed up whenever they see cute little immigrant families scrambling to their dreams. But torture is fucked up.

In a stunning act of wisdom/mishandling of a publicity stunt, 50 and Game heeded my advice of March the Third, when I reminded them both that they ain't nothin but wankstas that need to stop frontin. Indeed, I know for a fact that all members of Gorilla Unit read I am justice religiously, but I didn't think they'd take my criticisms to heart so rapidly. It just goes to show how much I really am justice. Fifty now claims that he and Game "need to set an example in the community." Damn right. And so was I (being right continually delights me).

On chill

I try to create a pretty comfortable atmosphere here at I am justice; some people I know would even venture to call it 'chill'.

I hate 'chill'.

You'll be sitting there with a friend discussing something, and then he'll drop the chill bomb like you were characters in road trip 3 or something. It may go like this:

'Yo, I think I'm gonna go steal a bag of almonds from the supermarket.'
'Wait up dude, I want to come. That sounds pretty chill.'


'Remember when our SUV flipped over?'
'Yeah, that was not chill, dude.'

News is not chill. Raggae is chill. Etc....

I find chill to be a despicable aesthetic. Life is not fucking chill. Life is hard, goddamnit. Chill leaves no room to appreciate that.

This blog post was not that chill. Nor was the collapse of a factory in Bangladesh today, in which 21 people died. Life is not fucking chill. Jackass.

To-do list:

1) Wash dishes
2) Shower
3) Speak truth to power
4) End slavery...come on, seriously this time...
5) Win ratings war
6) Punish Al
7) End pesky border dispute

If I had a penny

everytime a rapper blamed his label for a lack of promotion when his album tanked, I'd be a millionaire.

Y'all know the actual rod loves Shyne Po. But please. Check out this site,, in which he's quoted as calling himself a prophet in a cage. Are prophets concerned with record sales these days?

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Bush & Gannon, allegedly post-coitus

I'm imagining silken sheets, cigarettes, and an episode of "The View" on TiVo. Laura Bush walks in:

Laura: Jeff, would you laahk some yey?
Jeff: (Smoking a Marlboro Menthol Light 100) Don't tell me you're gonna give me drugs if you're not, Laura.
George: Hahaha! Hee-haw, Jeff, let's you and me take a little make-up break. Hehehe. To "powder our noses", as it were.
Jeff: Hey, G-Dubs, check out this question I'm gonna ask Scott McClellan today. "I saw the menu for the President's Easter dinner.  Does he know that Terri Schiavo had nothing to eat or drink yesterday and for the last 10 days?" ...Oh, and I'll need cash up front.
Laura: I want to eat Terri Schiavo's organs.

I especially like the picture of him on the front page of his website, all scowling in front of a bright photoshopped flag background. Mostly red (fascist). Not even one mention of prostitution. But what I'm most interested in are his opinions of Armstrong Williams and FoxNews, because the roles of these two are largely indistinguishable from Gannon's when he was still admitted to the White House press room (notwithstanding other possible services allegedly rendered).

See, he lobbed softball questions at Bush and his spokesmen, was always called upon, and as a result continually wasted time and therefore money (whose? do you still pay taxes? why???) during press briefings. So, he fits quite comfortably in with these other two well-paid Bush Regime shills. But, he takes the high ground on Williams. Ha. Nice thinking, Jeff. Like that changes the fact that three months ago you were still accepting payments for ass-sex. From a couple days ago, as a clarification of a fuck-up at the National Press Club panel:

Armstrong Williams - I was in no way defending this practice, since I believe it is wrong to pay journalists to write favorable articles.  It is PR, plain and simple and journalists have no business being involved in such activities.  But I also made several other points:
1.  The Bush administration didn't originate this practice.  It was done by the previous administration and caused nary a ripple.
2.  I was also speaking to how the debate over the No Child Left Behind Act is dominated by DNC rhetoric and NEA talking points.  One of those points is that NCLB is "underfunded."  The truth is, $6 billion in funds remain unspent.  There's much more to the debate that rarely breaks through the filter.

Fox News - "I really don't consider Fox News to be conservative."  Two points here:  
1.  Fox is closer to the middle in terms of stories covered, much to the dismay of its conservative viewers.  They'd like more stories about judicial nominees, pro-life issues, tax reform, education, religion and immigration.  Fox doesn't really stray too far from the herd in topics, but it certainly approaches them from the right.
2.  Media establishment types like to cast Fox as conservative but would never describe CBS and CNN as liberal.  That is simply dishonest.

So, he is indirectly admitting he lied when he said he didn't consider Fox News conservative. And CBS/CNN are liberal? ????????? I'm not going to say anything. You know what I'm thinking. I would not be surprised if these types turn out to be cannibals. Not the whole media, but the "conservative" (fascist) and "liberal" (fascist) media. This American liberal/conservative dichotomy makes me want to...vomit blood.

A big what-what

to my boy Mahbod, who will be returning tomorrow.

Another what-what, slightly smaller, to DailyKos, which I read often, not for news or anything, but just because the name 'dailykos' is hilarious (if you don't know why, I suggest you take a bicycle ride on a ledge or something, because you're not cool). I found this bloggins by Ed Kilgore up on their front page. Really didn't do anything. I was sitting here in my chair, thinking, 'well, I guess I could blog...' when I just run across this shit. Effortless, really. Kilgore is a member of the DLC, and we are all good, god-fearing DLC-haters here, but regardless, he is damned right when he desribes Confederate nostalgia as an affliction of 'the cult of romantic defeat' and he goes further to draw a parallel between this sentiment and the popularization of Islamic fundementalism. This isn't a groundbreaking discovery, and he only mentions it tangentially, but I find it interesting for one main reason.

We can view Appomatox as the place of death of a reactionary and dying exploitative culture (and--I bet you didn't expect me to say this--its replacement by another). We can clearly see that the economic system of the South necessitated a sort of primal neocidal urge among its practitioners (I got 'neocidal' from this sweet DDT poster, but that is neither here nor there), and that they'd have been content to wallow in their own increasingly unprofitable bullshit. But yo, fucker, the Muslim world is not some putrid antique of circumstance that stands directly in the way of Everything We Stand For (the student of history will say that the South wasn't in such a position to the North either--I agree, to an extent, but for rhetorical purposes, the South of yesteryear does stand in the way of 'the North' of today, and this false dialectic is what he's trying to employ). The comparison is bankrupt because it assumes that, like Confederate pride/anti-modernity in the backwaters of the South (thus far), fundementalism/anti-Western feeling/anti-modernity will be inseparable from the (much vaster and more dynamic) Middle East.

To that assumption, I say 'beware of ignorance'.

Republicans to DeLay: 'So...cyanide pill?'

Aw, boss, I fucked up, I fucked up good. I was too overtly despicable.

The Jump-off

There is Iranian rap. Just so you don't have to ask me. This dude apparently focuses on 'criticising the nouveaux riches who have no taste'. It depresses me to no end that the only modern music from Iran getting any coverage is always made by fucking retards.

Speaking of fucking retards...Iranian and Israeli Presidents Muhammad Khatami and Moshe Katsav apparently chilled at the Pontiff's death procession, but now, obviously, Khatami denies it. The two allegedly discussed their hometown of Yazd (yeah, the Prez of Israel is Iranian, fancy that) and the fact that they have the same initials. Now that Khatami's term is about up and he has some chance to make some lasting gesture, he toes the Islamic Republic's line more than ever. What a disappointment.

Also, Shaq is profoundly lacking in depth.

Thomas Friedman, inane cocksucker III

On the same article in which he slanders Middle East scholars, my man Juan Cole does some new asshole-tearing:

Third, the way you would get accused of essentialism is to engage in it. This fancy word just means that you say things that depend on there being eternal essences of things. So, for instance, if you said, "Palestinians are now and always have been a violent, fanatical, and duplicitous race." -- that would be essentialism (also racism). You would be assuming that Palestinians have a shared and unvarying essence. If you said, "Arabs are incapable of democracy because their political instincts are always authoritarian"-- that would be essentialism.


Friedman and Brooks, small room, no contact with outside world/food/water. Who rapes and/or eats the other first?

Friday, April 08, 2005

Opus Gayei (Part Nine of the Papal-Death Trilogy)

Yet another article on why the Pope was a reactionary.

But are we really looking to the Catholic Church for tips on how to be progressive? This guy knows more about eliminating poverty (bomb the poor?) than some fuckin Pontiff. Dan, that link is for you. Not a German fascist, but almost as good.

I know I'm in the minority

when I say that I think Lyndon LaRouche is adequately sane. True, he mentions Venetian proto-synarchist imperialism obsessively, but at least he isn't a theocrat. I'd like you to read his latest piece in something called the Executive Intelligence Review, which appears to be published by LaRouche himself. Hmm. It's called "Fascism and State-Based Religion".

In it, he snaps on your boy Zbigniew Brzezinski, a total assclown piece of shit, pictured here kickin it with your boy Leonid Kuchma, former Ukrainian dictator. "Smile for the camera, Zbigniew." Nice sweater under the suit, fascist.

Historical Precedent of the Week: Printing press w/movable type

First of all, I apologize to all my loyal readers who have missed this section for the past, like, four weeks. My bad. I'll try to remember next week.

I'm just discovering the true power of GoogleNews. I'm blown away. It is a lot like when Johann Gutenberg asked, "what if I had individual typefaces for every letter instead of having to a carve a whole fucking page that only matters once in my life?" Except my modern-day discovery leads to a question stated as such..."I love white women...and gweez...wait, what does this 'add a custom section' link do??? OH SHIT!!!"

You can add your own sections, prioritize them as you like, etc. I'm sure most people know about this already. How do I not hear about important things like this? I guess it isn't that important. But it's a lot like movable type. I've added the custom sections "misery", "pain", "corruption" and "revolution", which search for the keywords "misery", "pain", "corruption" and "revolution", respectively, in recent news articles. Now that, my friends, is news.

Movable type probably unleashed its fair share of semi-obnoxious, mostly lovable people who had nothing better to do but print their ideas. But, rather than simply be writers, as the industry tended (what with the gap between the printing press and typewriters and all), earlier on, the press engravers themselves wielded the instruments of expression. This is very dangerous, because shit went straight from their 'mouths' to the public. I think this is much like the blog process. They were closer to the actual physical creation of their work. I wonder: has the trend away from that continued or can we indeed consider typing/blogging/etc. to be a return to a physicality of publishing? Certainly there are all kinds of manufacturing and material shit and code and whatnot between my brain and my blog, a more complex distance than the one between a writer and his published work, but nonetheless they are connected more seamlessly than say, Abbe Sieyes was to a pamphlet he wrote in the late eighteenth century. He had to send that shit to publishers, wait, hear what the editors had to say. It was probably a pain in the ass, especially when all he wanted was to seize some power. But we've reverted. Like press engravers, we are no longer writers--we are percussionists.

What did these original percussionists "blog" about?

Got some ale in my beard yesterday. I think it's rotting, but I can't exactly tell, because I'm goin on like six months without a shower, that kinda sucks. How does the Prince of Saxe-Coburg think he can get away with censoring printing presses? We control the means, here. He cannot reverse progress. Other news...shit...has Martin Luther been born yet?

But with all that weird illegible font.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thomas Friedman, inane cocksucker (redux)

Just to keep with the theme of dissing NYTimes columnist Thomas "My Mustache Smells of Semen" Friedman, I'd like to give a moment of attention to his editorial from this morning. In it, he questions the lack of scholarship on the state of democracy in the Middle East: 'in the West it was avoided because a toxic political correctness infected the academic field of Middle Eastern studies - to such a degree that anyone focusing on the absence of freedom in the Arab world ran the risk of being labeled an 'Orientalist' or an 'essentialist'".

No, douchebag. It was avoided because (though I don't like most Middle East scholars by a longshot) most scholars aren't fucking sophists like you. There are better ways of framing that question. Go read about Dutch disease.

Second/Third Post of Papal-Death Trilogy

Here's a fun surprise. This article is entitled 'Last to File Past Pope Rejoice, Latecomers Despair' (this is quite funny). Now, I didn't read the whole article, because I don't really give a fuck that Karol Wojtyla has died. I mean, I'm divided on whether he gets a thumbs-up or -down; up because he was thug and lived like 25 years after getting capped, down because he was a reactionary fool that reversed elements of progressivity within the Church that wouldn't have ensured the deaths of millions of AIDS victims, etc etc.

But whatever. God Schmod. Blog Schblog. Pope Knop.

Rejoice??? The fool is DEAD! Does the Catholic Church also revere the powers of dead popes? What the fuck?

Yeah, 'rejoice' just doesn't seem like the right verb. I mean, feel their jubilation--I find papal death to be quite amusing too, but it's inappropriate to rejoice around dead people, right? It's pretty funny how they keep parading him around and shit. I guess the funeral is tomorrow, so that can finally end. Is that shit really necessary? I would not die peacefully if I knew there would be huge spectacles organized for mass consumption with my body as the plattered hors d'ouvre(s? eh?).

In the article (props to my boy Reuters), some dude, denied access, was quoted as having said 'this is hurting me. This is really hurting me.' I do not get how you white people get 'closure' by looking at corpses. Seriously.

Cleaning Haus

It was mentioned to me earlier today by my friend Actual God that he had received many new unique hits (visits) the past few days due to his Ron Mexico/Michael Vick/Sonya Elliot post. This may seem completely inconsequential to you, since it's obvious that, despite my comparatively paltry readership, I have some excellent, perhaps unparalleled content (in blogosphere terms, I'm not comparing myself to P.J. O'Rourke here--now there's a journalistic dreamboat).

To a blogger, however, this is no small issue. You see, we live and breathe for that shit, because that's what we care about: echoing the infinite wisdom of CNN anchorhologram Judy Woodruff, it's all about 'the eyeballs.' We want to be read. Indeed, that's why blogs are pathetic. Moreso than any other form of self-expression, the blog screams 'GIVE ME FUCKING ATTENTION! I AM WORTH YOUR TIME!' If a blogger tells you otherwise, he/she (okay, he) is definitely lying.

So, I dunno. Am I bitter? Not really. AG has been working on his fanbase for a full month longer than I, and also hasn't been hit with computer ailments. Indeed, I don't even bring this up to seem bitter, because that would be pretty faggy of me. I am more interested in why the internets have made otherwise decent people so fucking gay. We're blabbering off into this hypertext wilderness, all saying nothing (except for me, I am meaning), and, though we may mean well, we're changing nothing. We're not even trying to. Rather, the number of unique hits is actually something upon which we hinge our well-being. Or maybe that's just me. Shit.

People may say that the internet is beautiful because it serves to more rapidly link ideas and thinkers and whatnot, and thereby help us collectively overcome tyranny and thought-control, but I think this shit is kinda gay. And this is self-loathing, but don't overlook that I'm also calling you fools out. These computers buzz to Hypnotize Us All.

Here's a picture of some displaced persons. Ah, misery!

Dialogue from disturbingly lucid dream

Mr. Franqui: (piercingly high voice) So, have you ever been to Philadelphia? (farts) It's the City of Brotherly Love!!!
Dan: (apathetic) No, I never made it down. No reason, you know?
M. F.: What? No reason? We have the best cheesesteaks in the world!
D: Eh. That was just never that high up on my list. (awkwardly) You know which two people I think were separated at birth?
M.F.: I've lived here all my life!
D: Uh, so, it's the Pontiff and former TNT announcer Hubie Brown.
M.F.: I do NOT see the resemblance.
D: (checks to see if door is locked)
M.F.: So, you guys want a cheesesteak?
D: Who are you talking to? I'm the only person in the car.
M.F.: Not true, my son Alejandro is in the trunk.
D: Oh my god, why? Shouldn't we stop and let him out?
M.F.: (glares longingly at D.)
D: Riiight. So, cheesesteak?
M.F.: We have the best whores here. You want a whore?
D: (checks lock again, fingers gat and/or penis) No, that's really fine.
M.F.: I'll buy one for you. Seriously! We have the best whores in Philadelphia. If you think you're getting out of this car without a cheesesteak, you've got another thing coming.
D: This has been an incredibly long drive considering your existence is completely inconsequential to my life.
M.F.: (farts)

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Thomas Friedman, inane cocksucker

Here's a little quotation from his latest ouvre, for you lazy ones:

Here I was in Bangalore -- more than 500 years after Columbus sailed over the horizon, looking for a shorter route to India using the rudimentary navigational technologies of his day, and returned safely to prove definitively that the world was round -- and one of India's smartest engineers, trained at his country's top technical institute and backed by the most modern technologies of his day, was telling me that the world was flat, as flat as that screen on which he can host a meeting of his whole global supply chain. Even more interesting, he was citing this development as a new milestone in human progress and a great opportunity for India and the world -- the fact that we had made our world flat!

Ah, the rhetorical flourishes of a drunk toddler. What Friedman doesn't realize is that, connectivity or not, the global economy will be in a dumpster when the wealth gap continues to widen to the point that people take to the streets. People won't take to the streets as long as they have some scraps, you say? That didn't necessarily matter for the Iranian Revolution of '78-'79 (which I refuse to call Islamic, for the sake of both Iran and Islam, but that's another story), which happened to take root despite impressive growth rates and rises in living standards. People aren't fucking dogs (sure, some people fuck dogs, but I don't know any). I mean, even if we are basically id-driven beasts, we're well-trained enough to furrow our brows a little bit when others are getting richer much faster than we are. And, eventually, we'll furrow our brows so much that the street will run with their blood. I'm just saying.

So yeah, globalization is aight, until those in developing countries that are getting richer get rich enough that it starts to look suspicious that the rest of said country isn't gaining from their presence. Then, we will have instability that will not be good for investment.

Alea iacta est.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005


In response to the discussion of identity politics at Finnegan's Wake, I just want to say that arguing for the dissolution of area/ethnicity/gender studies is obviously reactionary, and so is their very existence in the first place. That's what identity is, period (reactionary). My favorite example: saying that democracy is necessarily Western a) betrays a pro-western bias and a lot of assumption/ignorance on the 'East' in the first place b) fans the fires of the Culture War. Ideas like democracy, pluralism, socialism, nationalism, feminism, utopianism etc. do not belong to any one region. They are human. They are ideas. That shit is fluid, unless you're a fascist.

Am I saying that identity is an empty vector? Maybe.

Plato and Aristotle are considered to be ingrained in the Western experience, but who the fuck you think translated that shit from Ancient Greek? Not this guy. Don't kid yourselves, y'all was in the dark. Ancient Greek to Syriac/Aramaic to Arabic to Latin. I ain't bein facetious, I'm just saying. Identities/realities can and will be imagined. Especially details. People don't care enough to check the facts 99% of the time...what is "Christian" (Pope, millions of AIDS-related deaths in the developing world) may not indeed be Christian. What is not "Islamic" (definitely not secularism, right?) could easily become Islamic. And, in the end, it doesn't matter. You've got your chest-thumping and your fear-mongering, and all the while, Reverend Moon is masturbating behind the curtain.

The point is, well, identity is but a vector. Play into that shit, and you're unwittingly buying into the same cultural discourse that creates division and shame and war and confusion and people voting against their interests and death squads and psychological crises ("the Postcolonial Manifesto", forthcoming). I generally choose to ignore it.

No, that's a lie. I talk mad shit about white people.

Papal pictures

Here's a funny one.

I saw some pictures of his funeral procession or whatever. To my "hip" readers: are funeral processions still cool in the 21st century?

Orwell in the grave, rotisserie style (or, the Gods of Texas)

Like a sickle to wheat, I have returned to decapitate the blogosphere. My blogging friends have all more or less taken a nosedive in terms of quality. It simply isn't edifying anymore, and you all know the missing piece. Iamjustice.

So what has the actual rod been up to?

I've been posting once in awhile, but without a computer, I have to use the power of my brain to blog, and sometimes my wireless connection just isn't that good. When my new machine arrives, the surgical dissections and redistribution of justice will pick up again. But what has House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's family been up to, you ask?

Here's the thing. In one of my indoctrination sessions today, a young blonde fascist girl actually referred to corruption in China ("over there") as being so widespread and integral to politics as to be somehow terribly commendable. That implies that corruption isn't integral to political life in this country. Racism. Lite.

That's right my children, DeLay's wife and daughter have received $500,000 in PAC money since 2001. Now, this kind of shit ain't the tip of the iceberg, I realize, but fuck Tom DeLay. Harry Reid talks about the "arrogance of power", and that's cool, perhaps he won't die in The Coming Conflagration (I like his taste in suits), but seriously, these people should be piked in front of Washington for this kind of shit. This is one of the most powerful men in the country, using his disturbingly opaque political machinery to do shit like forward a cause to subvert Justice (the name of the figurehead of said cause will not be mentioned, but it rhymes with "High-vo" or, alternately, "Free Lotto") in the name of, ostensibly, theocracy. Why is Holy Roller History so filled with corruption? They love talking about that shit mad steez. Note: another favorite example.

Back to theocracy. Indeed, regarding Schiavo, DeLay notoriously did all the moral posturing he could: "...the legal issues, I grant everyone, are complicated, but the moral ones are not." Yeah, don't lose sleep over this shit. WE'RE RIGHT. While the seeds for the Kultur of Life were being sown last month, the DeLay women received nearly $8,000 between the two of them from DeLay's ArmPAC. For "indispensible service"? Months after an election and before the next? Is this, finally, the Great Lesson of Family Values?!?! Fucking swine.

I won't even say Tom DeLay's a scumsucking corporate whore, which he is. I'll just go on what his fiefdom, the Texas State GOP, said in its 2002 platform. According to this landmark piece of batshit lunacy, the United States is a "Christian nation" and the legal establishment of (extra-democratic) theocracy is (and I'm paraphrasing) "restoring the intended meaning of the Constitution". Don't just take it from me, these people really care about Jesus--here's a fun pamphlet from the Texas GOP's website.

Theocracy. Payoffs. Like rotting wheat, power in the hands of fucktards smells delicious.

Orwell in the grave, rotisserie style:

Texans demand and deserve leaders with dynamic energy, bold new ideas, and unrestrained hope. Leaders with an understanding of Texas' heritage, a clear vision for Texas' future, and a bold plan to get us there. Leadership that is unwavering in the face of criticism, steadfast when confronted with adversity, and committed to build a better state. Leaders that are unafraid to take chances and try new ideas for the betterment of Texas.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Sans "Machine"

CCL has perfect spots for twistin Ls. Not a rap lyric, a statement of fact.

My favorite headline from right now:

 'Gonzales to defend renewal of Patriot Act'

Wow, that's some fucking news, isn't it.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Slack-jawed mouth-breathing cracker (or, memories of a simpler time)

Since we've got the ball rolling on race, let me tell you all a few stories. They will be in the style of, uh, Paul Wolfowitz (whose Tunisian girlfriend, I hear, has both older man and vindictive murderer fetishes) or one of my favorite anthropologists.

Questions about customs were blocked by a technique I can commend to natives who are inconvenienced by the curiosity of ethnologists:

Evans-Pritchard: Who are you?
Cuol: A man.
Evans-Pritchard: What is your name?
Cuol: You want to know my name?
Evans-Pritchard: Yes.
Cuol: You want to know my name?
Evans-Pritchard: Yes, you have come to visit me in my tent and I would like to know who you are.
Cuol: All right. I am Cuol. What is your name?
Evans-Pritchard: My name is Pritchard.
Cuol: What is your father’s name?
Evans-Pritchard: My father’s name is also Pritchard.
Cuol: No, that cannot be true. You cannot have the same name as your father.
Evans-Pritchard: It is the name of my lineage. What is the name of your lineage?
Cuol: Do you want to know the name of my lineage?
Evans-Pritchard: Yes.
Cuol: What will you do with it if I tell you? Will you take it to your country?
Evans-Pritchard: I don’t want to do anything with it. I just want to know it since I am living at your camp.
Cuol: Oh well, we are Lou.


Mr. Dollins (mouthbreathing slackjawed yokel faggot. white, twitching in Born-Again glory. Batshit, but affable. Physics teacher.): Now, now, now, now Hrawd...Now eyeran, does y'alls peoples eat camel?
Rod (dashing, but hasn't showered in awhile and smells faintly of camel): You are a fucking idiot.
Mr. Dollins: Now, Hrawd, I'm just tryin to learn about y'alls peoples. That's all I'm tryin to do.
Rod: Shut the fuck up before I put your kneecap in a vice.
Mr. Dollins: Have any of y'all ever seen the show "Wings"? I really ehmpathaaahz with Roy.


Mr. Dollins: Now, Hrawd, now, tell me, does y'alls peoples eat camel? You look kind of like that Osama Bin Laden character.
Rod: I can't believe you have the power to fucking grade me.
Mr. Dollins: Can I call you "Jihad Rod"?
Rod: Kneecap?
Mr. Dollins: When do you need that recommendation in?

In the spirit of April Fools' Day, one (or maybe all) of these are bullshit. Decide for yourself.

Thugger than thou

I did what none, that I know of, have yet had the courage to do. I said goodbye to the facebook. Try searching for me. I'm gone. I heard through the grapevine that a faculty member was on that shit, and I decided it was no longer cool. To my former facebook friends, I only have one thing to say--die slow.


addendum: so, like, Bill Frist et al. could determine that Schiavo was "cognitively able" from footage like what those stills were taken from? Brilliant, that explains so much!

Notes from the Politburo

Comrade KINGSPAWN of Hidden Hand fame has informed me that the People demand more outrageously offensive racial and sexual utterances in my blog. He then awkwardly reached into his pants for awhile and stared at me with what i like to call his 'sensitive necrophiliac' face he told me I should also follow the trend and cash in on the wealth of untapped Terri Schiavo and torture jokes. I think he had been fed some absurdly powerful horse steroids because the veins on his neck were slowly ripping through his skin.

But I might be wrong.

No wait, that's White People. I'm not sure if I've said it before, but White People leave a nasty, cardboardish odor in my experience. I don't like them. Don't flinch. I mean the collective White Man. Pay attention damn you! This is important. When I say the collective White Man, that doesn't necessarily absolve any of you individual passive-aggressive ranch dressing-eating palefaces. Jews I'm actually fine with mostly, but otherwise, if you're white, chances are, I hate you. Go rent a negro or something.

I'm always accosted viciously by Jews when they realize I'm a secular (born) Muslim, in that they feel the need to share their opinions with me about how anti-Semitic the Muslim communities of the world are, as though the broad stroke of 'Arabs' defines all within the pre-Israeli Middle East (coming to a media outlet near you), and that we all, for better or worse, hate Jews. Even I, despite my obvious goddamn seamless rationality and tolerance beyond a shadow of a doubt, have been grouped in with these anti-Semitic 'Arabs' (this is a contradiction in terms; Arabs, like Israelis, speak a Semitic language, which, like Hebrew, pivots around generally three-lettered verbs and their derivative forms. By any measure Arabs are 'Semitic'. Well, holy fucking Shit, Bubba. You couldn't possibly emphasize your similarities with the enemy. It's fucking unpatriotic. But no, I don't hate Jews, and most Iranians (I'm a fucking Iranian, not an Arab, and the only difference it makes is that I have thousands of years of brilliant poetry and philosophy behind me. The shit that you uncouth swine merchant bastards like to call 'Islamic Civilization'? Yeah, that was all Iranians. Modernity back in the 11th century. Check yourself. Because chances are, I hate you) do not give a fuck about Jews or the Israeli-Palestinian conflict anymore than we care about countless other human rights violations the world around.

The anti-Israeli shit is a political tool of certain entrenched powers, such as the 'ulama in Iran, the Saudi government in it's very schizophrenic but ultimately risk-averse manner, Bashar el-Assad, etc. No doubt, it gets some popular play (kind of like McGruff the Crime Dog, but cooler). It's very easy to blame other people for your problems, especially when there are concrete links between your problems and their actions. So yeah, there may be a little anger there. And it gets promoted with all the oil money we can muster, because like Americans, We All Need Our War Drums.

But stop fanning the fire, people. You're not helping anyone. And you are all fucking bigots. I don't even need to say it this time, you know.